A month ago, namely 9 June 2011, I was surreptitiously dumped by the man I thought I was going to marry. In all honestly, it was done after a quarrel over the phone, nevertheless it took me by surprise anyway. I was in shock and soon after depressed and then seemingly recovering when it hit me like a truck again. I spent a week crying quietly in office, typing minutes with endless tears flowing. I spend everyday crying in bed before I sleep, missing him badly, wanting to hold and smell him again. After that, I had weeks to rant and rave. I even gave up my pride to beg him back thrice, only to be met with silence and then abuse. I was delirious. I had no place to escape. Slowly, with friends and company, I managed to recover. Then the next painful realization, He Has Moved On.... Back to square one.
So what happens now? The void seems to want to stay and taunt me from within. While I shamelessly stalk his Facebook and scan all his female friends, I seem to get a picture in my mind. Unknowing to him, I actually understand him more than he thinks I do. I have been correct and spot on with every slight move he makes and how he thinks even before it happens. Unfortunately, I am usually right. There are times when I wish I was wrong and these are such times.
Maybe it's just the human reaction to pain, and that is to quickly find someone else. Whether to keep company in bed or to share the time together holding hands and starting something new. I can understand that because that's how I used to handle heartbreak. It isn't hard for him for he is good looking, hardworking, generous...he is all that a woman wants. I was technically his first girlfriend. And from his past lifestyle of constant clubbing and having any female he wants, he naturally turns to suspicion when it comes to my male friends. Why he always accused me of flirting with others, I never knew. I always told him the truth and he knew it but then used it against me. Jealousy and obsession are the worst combination in a relationship and they usually come hand in hand. I have my own share of those two demons. If not, why would I constantly spy on his Facebook even though I know it will hurt me? To see his connection with other much younger girls? To watch them go after my ex even from the time I was actually with him. Facebook is seriously a hellhole.
I had been willing to give up everything I had in Singapore, including leaving my parents behind to move to Australia. That was the hardest part, being the only child and the obligation to looking after them in their old age. I was willing to be part of this family, who did not think I was good enough for him. I was willing to be part of his friends, who also didn't think I was good enough for him. Why? Because I am a kineza, Greek for Chinese. So why was I willing to leave everything I loved behind only to be looked down by all his family and friends? Because I love him. I love him still despite all the hard words and his actions because I know the man he is inside. "True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively." - Dalai Lama.
Some people get through break ups in days, weeks or years, some don't even seem to get over it. The process to recovery is a painful lonely journey. Yes friends play a part, a very important part. I have friends who have listened to me cry till wee morning, who went for a holiday with me, who made me laugh and forget my pain for the moment, but in the end, YOU have to have to strength within to pull yourself up from the dark pit.
Right now I am still learning how. Praying and Buddhist chants can only do so much. I guess time will heal but damn it takes such a long time. It seems unfair how someone who proclaimed to love you and promise to marry you can get over it so quickly. I suppose it's because I'm the only idiot who thought it was worth fighting for. Well, I've stopped fighting because I lost the battle even before it started.
I guess the one good thing that came out of this is the weight loss. I am finally rid of my excess 5 kilo baggage!
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