Bullshit

If I had any means of communicating to my fabulous ex now, I really would like to just tell him this -

Dear J,

I realized that everything u ever said to me was tbh quite BULLSHIT. From marrying and having kids to reconsidering being back with me to saying things like "dun act like I dun wanna talk to you. If I didn't want to, I would have told you straight away". So what is this now? Deleting our photos... unfriending me n my friends... u didn't even have the courtesy to write me a note to tell me. I even helped u by untagging every single photo so u and ur new gf won't see my face, I even gave u good blessings to be with ur new gf... and all I ever got was total bloody BULLSHIT from the moment I met u.God, my friends stuck their necks out to help u find a job in Singapore and then u decided that u didn't want to work here anymore.. one of the Queenies was even on ur sorry ass side when she heard that u broke up with me... that's for gratitude girls.

I may not mean anything to u now, but don't forget what we used to be. Don't u forget that u wanted me to leave everything behind to live in Darwin with u. I sold my precious Lambchop, saved money so I wouldn't have use urs, tried to find a job there, researched everyday. For YOU. Why? I was doing everything for u, BECAUSE I thought u meant it.

When I replied ur smses seconds late in Bali, u said sarcastic things to me. What about u? U ignored me countless times and that's alright for u! And u senselessly accuse me of flirting with men AND women. And u took advantage of my honesty to put me down.And u always think that ur so fair and tell me that "u're not the one for me and u should make adjustments to ur attitude before u move on to the next guy. This is the best advice I can give u." Can u just look in the mirror first and THINK before u say anything next time? This is the best advice I can give to u.

I'm sorry this happened between us and I really thought u wanted to be friends. I admit to being a fucking bitch and failure at many things but at least I'm honest about it. I didn't give u cock and BULLSHIT.

Love,
The Stupid Kineza

A Blank Mind ---- Anger

Anger is an extremely volatile emotion. As I am currently, right at this moment, exactly at THIS bloody moment feeling right now. It's 2.30am and I am gradually rising in fury. Makes me wonder if I should put myself in a straitjacket before I harm someone. Or rather someones.

In a few hours from now, I will be feeling desperation of loss. How am I going to solve this object of my fury. I haven't been angry for many years now. I've always tried to make myself genuinely likeable to people. Amazingly, people find me comical when I'm seeing red. And that usually makes me laugh, cos I really do like to laugh, I love to be happy. I never bring pessimism into my daily life. Eventually, my nature is being taken advantage of. Nobody knows anyone's limit to anger. I suppose nobody will want to.

You'll understand why anger should never be tolerated:

Anger make one unpredictable
Anger causes harm to oneself and others
Anger means that the person who caused it is a piece of shit
Anger brings out the worst in everyone
Anger makes you ugly inside
Anger makes the mind work in twisted ways
Anger has not got a limit
Anger makes me want to do something bad

I am furious.

I am at the point of serious damage mentally. My mental health is very important because I am not a smart person. If I were smarter, I would not succumb to it.

My fucking hands are shaking.

You see, I'm not really myself when I'm angry. I suppose it changes the perception of me.

I'm angry at myself more than I am angry at the object.

The way they play with your head with their petty little mind games. How I wish I could do something to stop these little mind games. Stupid little mind games. Does it make you feel good? Does it make you feel superior? Why? Is it because you can?

... are you afraid I'll bring you down to my level? Congratulations, you already are. Telling your little little mean things. Is it because I'm better? Or because you have to put me down to feel good. Am I disturbing your mind?

I'm not at loss yet. I suppose the shit has to end up in a shithole somewhere. I am the shithole. Why? Because I'm labeled as the outcast. Because I'm different. Not much different my dear, as you may see yourself in me. Maybe more than you think. You're not any better. Nobody is better than anybody else, except a person with anger.

Don't think badly of my family. There is no heritage of insanity in mine.

I can still feel my anger

My madness

The thing in me, it's rising

I am hurt, by the people I love

Because I love them, I am angry

Why am I angry? My hands are shaking. My bloody hands.

I am glad of one thing, I am alone now. Nobody can see me like this. This evil fit. This thing in me waiting to get out.

I've not wanted to do something bad in a long time.

Did you really think I'll never find out?

Anger management and capoeira

I'm still hoping against hope that my stuff will reach Belgium. Even though that percentage of hope is like 0.001%, I'm still hoping. Fuck them, Singpost has already despatched the package to Brussels! Now what? It's can't have just disappeared?! From now on, it's Fedex for any things over there! I'm not throwing another $200+ into the wind, I'm not that stupid! I just hope that it'll come back to me if not heading towards Chris. Slap all their faces.

I was trying out the capoeira moves on the Getcapofit site, now my thighs and arse hurt like a motherf*****... and after attempting a few cartwheels, my back is ready to break. God, fat means fat not to mention totally unflexible hahaha! BUT, I'm still going to take it up! I just wanted to get the michellinman body into some rhytm before making a fool of myself... I want to prove to those non believers out there that fat people can do it too. BTW, I'm officially fat as I have reache my 61kilo mark. Let me go jump down now...

On a lighter note, Eddy's going to get his Nissan 350Z next week. Pukefest for all super low cars! It's a terror for me, too small and too low, gonna get motion sickness.. Don't get me wrong, it's a awezome car.. Awezome with a Z like Chris said once haha, it looks great, feels great and its really quite cool.

Heads will roll

Guess the same thing happens after something is cleared.. How long can a parcel take to reach someone else in Belgium? 1 month? After checking with Singpost, I had to wait for them to get back to me. Gonna kill people now, I'm furious. Apparently, it;s been despatched to Brussles on the 8th already so the problem must lie there!

Anger management

I'm going to kill all A**** people if nobody answers my phone call. Customer care service my f**king ass. I don't count leaving my name and number on the dumb answering machine as 'customer service care'. Damn bloody TV has been sitting there cos those dumb f**ks refuse to answer my calls or emails. Great, I'll have to return it or go down just to the store and shout at them. Haha, I can't even make a complaint either cos I can't even get a technical staff!@#$$&%. And the worst thing, is that they're a local brand (what with the service matters) and I still can't contact them. I just recieved a cc yesterday from the customer care team, telling one of their staff to contact me. Went something like this:

Dear A

Pls call Ms Sharon at 9011285 urgently to assist. Thanks!

Best Regards
Customercare Team





But nobody called...


F**king bastards.

dumb school

Damn I hate it when peopel tell me the OBVIOUS. My dad just nagged at me telling me to pay extra attention in class this term cos it's my last module... what the f**k is that supposed to mean then? That I have to pay extra attention cos it's the last module? Why? So I didn't have to pay attention for the last 1 year over? I'm bloody 25 this year not a teenager that someone has to keep telling me to study. F**k it, I'm tempted to drop out at the last minute just to prove him wrong. And with the stupid wait for my goddammned results for the last module, I don;t need any more wisecracks from others. Pay extra attention my f**king toe. I'm personally aiming for a degree with distinction and all I need is one more stupid distinction to get it and here I am listening to this shit? Come check my ic when I buy cigarettes man, I'm a child in disguise. F**k man, I better pass this last one and the coming module. And the pass better be a distinction.

stupido

when u feel stupid 4 doing something so fucking lame like urs truly, u'll end up like a sour dispositioned, pillow wetting dope listening to lame brainers giving out lame 'it's 4 ur own good' advices. i spent the last few nights crying and having nightmares not to mention having to listen to advice like, "u better not ride anymore, u shld be smarter than that, ur lucky ur not dead..." give me a break and shut those dumb 'advices', they sounds more like condemnations anyway and stop treating me like a kid. i just say bye bye thanks for ur 'concern' and u havent even asked if i'm ok b4 offering stupidity.

when do these ppl ever think of the emotional scarring part. instead of feeling gratitude to these so called concern (u better not ride anymore u should be fucking smarter than that) i feel like i want to wallop the shit out of them! anywa in the mist of feeling dumb and self pity, i'm seriously glad to have loads of friends who do not question my brain power. need i mention? i'm the stupid one in the family, so i try to avoid family now in case i get the urge to hit someone.