Booty Call Or Just The Boot

When my fabulous ex, J, constantly accuses me of flirting during our relationship and thereafter ACCUSED me of having one night stands after we broke up, I was baffled. I mean you can’t tell someone off for imagining that she/he was having sex with strangers when the accuser himself has already done it! Where is the logic in that? How do you even have sex with someone you dun like? And the chance of disease? I wouldn’t touch a player with a 10m bargepole. 

Anyway, in the words of Dalai Lama ,” if there is no solution, no possibility of resolution, then there is also no point in being worried about it, because you cannot do anything about it anyway. In that case, the sooner you accept this fact, the easier it will be for you.” I have decided that this is enough. Enough is enough. I refuse to cry anymore and hide in my shell while he ‘thinks about getting back with me’. In my opinion, if you have already decided not to then dun even SAY YOU’RE GOING TO THINK ABOUT IT!

I’m taking a step a day and I have to say I’m not really following the Buddhist way since my heart is bitter.

Spank-o-vent

When I asked my ex, J, why he left me, he gave me 3 reasons.

1. My constant flirting with men on World of Warcraft and adding them on Facebook.

They are people I enjoyed playing with and I added them on Facebook... it's not like I was going to fly over to their respective countries to play doctors with them! And flirting? What flirting? Everyone to J was after me. I'm not some super hot star darling, nobody was looking, it was just you, I told him. But no, everyone from the streets of Bali to the alleys of Phuket and basically everyone on WoW was on to me. How do I fight that?

And he said he was pissed mad because I met a friend who came over to Singapore for 5 days and I spent late nights with him. It's not like he didn't know! I asked J before if he was jealous, he said no. If I knew he was, I would have stopped. But he chose to keep it all inside him till everything exploded in one big ball of green flames.

How many times do I go out a week, I asked him. Don't you see me at home everyday? Don't you talk to me every night? He said yes. But he didn't trust me. He didn't trust the people around me. And it wasn't just the men, it was the women too...

Which brings me to reason 2

2. When you close your eyes, are you thinking of other women?

Seriously? I rest my case. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED sex with J. But how the heck do you force yourself to open your eyes throughout!? Play the stare game? Ah! You blinked!! Are u thinking of another girl too?!

3. My temper

Darling, every time I get mad at you, it's for a reason. When you wanted me to go to the top most part of Australia, I told you it's not easy. Do u seriously think everything happens like a miracle? J always thinks about the end destination but never the journey. I made a point to find out. Whether it was me going over or him coming to live in Singapore, I made a point to call immigrations and read sites and forums. I helped him try to find a job, my friend too and he ended up accusing her of trying to get fancy with me...

So he ended our relationship with a text message. 'It's over'. So dramatic. Typical.

Being the stupid ass that I am, I wrote 3 long texts to him begging him to reconsider and the reasons why we would be good. I promised never to scold him and not to go out with other men. He ignored me.

Then he called me few days later at a wedding

I love being a masochist, I texted him again 2 days later begging him to come back again. I got abused. So I booked a trip to Bali for my birthday.

You see, I was supposed to have a road trip with him two weeks after the break up. Everything was booked. I was going to spend my birthday there with him. Thanks J. This year was the best birthday ever. I stayed home to play WoW and howl in misery while you went out with your skanky friend who has been chasing you like a bitch on heat every since she met you in January. Oh yes, I know that. Who posts so much stuff on your Facebook and tried to get into your pants the moment she found out you broke up with the stupid kineza? I bet she didn't know you got it with her friend.... twice. You lied to me and told me you didn't fool around? You accused me of doing it instead. But look, I didn't and I never will cos I'm simply not u. But still you accused me of it and you never stopped. U should be named Tenacious A. (A for Accuser)

Don't kill me but I texted him again a 3rd time.... begging to meet him in Australia. I would fly over.... he abused me. Again

I know J more than he knows me. And I knew the moment he found out I was going to Bali he would go back to his homeland. Ta-daa! I was right. Well, put yourself in my shoes. You get dumped before your birthday and you were supposed to be overseas with the man you were going to marry, why would you want to stay home and crawl in a corner with misery? For fuck's sake, I thought he was going to propose to me on my birthday! Ha ha! How stupid can I get? I laugh at myself for being such a retard everyday. What a fucking fool.

Well, I cried LOTS in Bali. I cried rivers till I was blue in the face. But did he know that? No. Apparently, I was searching for a new toy to play with. On the way back to his homeland he had to stop in Singapore, he texted me while I was in the room with my good friend. Why? Maybe he missed me since he's in Singapore?

Well it was a looong chain of messages we exchanged and not once was I ever sarcastic but you twisted all my words and abused me emotionally. I cried and cried while texting and when I took too long to reply once, he said, 'Oh so is this how it is going to end then?' He ignored my calls and ignored my texts and even now ignoring the friendly Facebook mail I sent him yesterday and he dares tell me that? I know he read the mail already and I know what he's up to now with someone. I'm not stupid. But stupid enough to keep missing him and still bloody loving him. Someone just shoot me already. Too many stupid people in the world now.

So at the end he said he didn't know whether being with me was worst or being without me was worst. And he promised to think about it when he's in his homeland for an indefinite time... Thanks darling, you swore we could never be together again and now you're telling me you are going go think about it? So what? Prolong my agony just to kill me again?

And he left... back in his homeland now. No messages from him, no reply to my friendly Facebook message. And all I did was to reply a second too slow for your SMS... Look what you're doing now?
I can say now, "Is this how it's going to end?'

And to think, I sold my beloved Vespa just so to prepare to move to Australia. I was saving money so that I didn't have to take his while I worked quietly on the sly there. I was geared up to leave my parents behind. Leave the job I love and all my friends... For a place where I will be racially discriminated by his friends and family because I'm Chinese. Where I won't be able to make any new friends since he's scared of both male and females trying it on me. Where I'll have to depend on him.





Fuck me. I still love him. Fuck me sideways and shoot me in the head.

Healing and self discovery

A month ago, namely 9 June 2011, I was surreptitiously dumped by the man I thought I was going to marry. In all honestly, it was done after a quarrel over the phone, nevertheless it took me by surprise anyway. I was in shock and soon after depressed and then seemingly recovering when it hit me like a truck again. I spent a week crying quietly in office, typing minutes with endless tears flowing. I spend everyday crying in bed before I sleep, missing him badly, wanting to hold and smell him again. After that, I had weeks to rant and rave. I even gave up my pride to beg him back thrice, only to be met with silence and then abuse. I was delirious. I had no place to escape. Slowly, with friends and company, I managed to recover. Then the next painful realization, He Has Moved On.... Back to square one.

So what happens now? The void seems to want to stay and taunt me from within. While I shamelessly stalk his Facebook and scan all his female friends, I seem to get a picture in my mind. Unknowing to him, I actually understand him more than he thinks I do. I have been correct and spot on with every slight move he makes and how he thinks even before it happens. Unfortunately, I am usually right. There are times when I wish I was wrong and these are such times.

Maybe it's just the human reaction to pain, and that is to quickly find someone else. Whether to keep company in bed or to share the time together holding hands and starting something new. I can understand that because that's how I used to handle heartbreak. It isn't hard for him for he is good looking, hardworking, generous...he is all that a woman wants. I was technically his first girlfriend. And from his past lifestyle of constant clubbing and having any female he wants, he naturally turns to suspicion when it comes to my male friends. Why he always accused me of flirting with others, I never knew. I always told him the truth and he knew it but then used it against me. Jealousy and obsession are the worst combination in a relationship and they usually come hand in hand. I have my own share of those two demons. If not, why would I constantly spy on his Facebook even though I know it will hurt me? To see his connection with other much younger girls? To watch them go after my ex even from the time I was actually with him. Facebook is seriously a hellhole.

I had been willing to give up everything I had in Singapore, including leaving my parents behind to move to Australia. That was the hardest part, being the only child and the obligation to looking after them in their old age. I was willing to be part of this family, who did not think I was good enough for him. I was willing to be part of his friends, who also didn't think I was good enough for him. Why? Because I am a kineza, Greek for Chinese. So why was I willing to leave everything I loved behind only to be looked down by all his family and friends? Because I love him. I love him still despite all the hard words and his actions because I know the man he is inside. "True compassion is not just an emotional response but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude towards others does not change even if they behave negatively." - Dalai Lama.

Some people get through break ups in days, weeks or years, some don't even seem to get over it. The process to recovery is a painful lonely journey. Yes friends play a part, a very important part. I have friends who have listened to me cry till wee morning, who went for a holiday with me, who made me laugh and forget my pain for the moment, but in the end, YOU have to have to strength within to pull yourself up from the dark pit.

Right now I am still learning how. Praying and Buddhist chants can only do so much. I guess time will heal but damn it takes such a long time. It seems unfair how someone who proclaimed to love you and promise to marry you can get over it so quickly. I suppose it's because I'm the only idiot who thought it was worth fighting for. Well, I've stopped fighting because I lost the battle even before it started.

I guess the one good thing that came out of this is the weight loss. I am finally rid of my excess 5 kilo baggage!